Looking in the Mirror

I am just going to be totally honest here.  I have been struggling in a major way for the past 3 months.  I have gained 15 lbs since March of this year and a total of 30lbs since my divorce in April of 2013.  I look in the mirror and I do not like what I see on the outside.  My face is puffy, my eyes are puffy, my legs and hips are bigger and I think “What man in their right mind would want to spend time with me?  What does he think when he looks at me? Do I gross men out because I am not that little teeny bopper of a woman?”  QUICKLY, I shake those horrible things off in my head and realize that NO MAN WILL EVER DEFINE WHO I AM….If people can’t accept me for who I am on the inside then to heck with them.  To me, I am the only one that I need to worry about, the person staring back at me in the mirror is the one who I need to concentrate on because she is who matters most.  

Through this weight gain I have continued working at and eating relatively healthy.  Yes, I have my cheats, I am human, but I don’t eat the crap every single day. I decided to go see my family Dr. to have some blood work to see if something within my endocrine system was off, because quite frankly all of my symptoms are correlating with the way that I felt when they were trying to get my medicine corrected after my thyroid cancer.  Lethargic, can sleep at the drop of a hat, pure exhaustion, swelling in my face, not losing weight even tho I am exercising and eating well.  Nothing seems to be working….Hopefully, I will be getting some answers very soon because I am OVER feeling like crap. Some people don’t understand how much a tiny little gland can control so much in our body but it does.  I don’t have a thyroid any longer so the medication for me is key and it has to be right.  If it is off in the tiniest little bit then it affects me in so many ways.  Emotionally, I can cry at the drop of a hat over simple things or I can bite your head off.  These types of ups and downs are not healthy for me and it SUCKS.  So I am keeping my head up knowing that the Dr. will have some answers for me tomorrow.  We will see. 

I have decided that the month of August is going to be the month of Andi.  I am reclaiming my life, I am taking the month of August to solely concentrate on me.  I am stepping away from training during the month of August so that I can get myself together and healthy in order to be 100% able to help others.  Yes, this may sound selfish but it is what it is and I DESERVE to have Me Time and time to myself to regain who I am.  I deserve to figure my body out once again and figure out exactly what it is that I need in order to be the best me that I can be, emotionally, spiritually and physically.  I am ready for August and I am in the preparation phase for August.  I am researching and I will get this figured out and it will just take time.

In the mean time remember ‘YOU AND ONLY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU.  DON’T DEPEND ON ANYONE ELSE TO DO THE WORK FOR YOU.  RESEARCH AND STUDY AND DO THE WORK BECAUSE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.”